Sunday, March 24, 2013

U Scan It


In a few hours, this section of Ohio is due for a snowstorm that’s been moving east across the plains for a couple of days. Five to eight inches’ accumulation is what weather.com was showing earlier today. Never mind that it’s the last full week of March; as others have pointed out, the groundhog lied, or made a mistake, or perhaps was just rattled after a trip through a U-Scan-It station at the grocery store.
Yes, U Scan It, my name for the evil plot hatched by grocers, or their parent companies, or Satan, to have us by-pass the staffed checkout counters and scan our items ourselves. Oh, yippee, let me. I already pump my own gas and serve myself at cheap restaurants.
I hate the self-scanners with a passion. However, when one shops at 8:30 a.m. at my local store, clerks aren’t an option--unless you get into trouble with the scanners.
The storm is expected to affect us for two or three days. I could not imagine life without coffee, ice cream, chips, peanut butter, or certain paper products, so out I went. The beauty of shopping in the early morning is the absence of other customers. I had the aisles to myself, and they were well stocked; no one was stampeding to grab the last carton of pop or pound of hamburger.
The hazard of shopping early in the morning…well, I’ve already told you: no checkout people. The U Scan Its loomed ahead of me as the only choice, so I picked one. Of course, it started talking right away. “Welcome, valued customer!” That, I wouldn’t mind so much if the thing would then shut up.
The patient, condescending female voice instructed me as though I were a befuddled sixty-seven-year-old woman who couldn’t keep up. Oh. Never mind.
“Place the item in the bag. Scan your next item and place the item in the bag. Scan your next item and place the item in the bag. Scan…”
After the first three or four items, while I fantasized about putting my fist through the glass, a clerk with a hand scanner appeared beside my cart and began grabbing up my groceries. The self-scanners must have silent alarms, like banks. “You might have trouble with such a big order at this station,” she said. “You should have gone to that large station over there.” Too late now, girlie.  
“Place the item in the bag and scan your next item.”
“Give me a minute,” I growled to the machine, and then I remembered the clerk. “I’m not talking to you,” I explained. “I’m talking to her.”
Sure enough, I ran out of space in the bagging area and the clerk had to move my groceries for me, as the U Scan It, being a vile instrument of the Devil, had gone wild when I put a full bag on the floor. Now the clerk was alternately scolding me and calling me Honey, like I was dim-witted.
I was glad to get home. Was the U Scan It experience worth it? Well, I have food and Kleenex and sweetener for the hard pioneer days ahead. So, yes. And I did not see a groundhog.

10 comments:

  1. You just keep getting better! Very nice post about a subject that we all can relate to. I will be at the store shortly after the mad rush for milk has started. The store will be crowded so I will wear the appropriate sweatshirt. I will answer questions as I wait for the line to move. Never miss an opportunity!

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    1. Thanks, bro. Good luck at the store. I just added a sentence to the post that I thought of on the way home from Kroger's, but then forgot. Love that Edit feature.

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    2. Jane, without question, this was the most entertaining blog to date! My sides hurt from laughing!!! I can totally relate to what you said. The last time I used the self scan lane, I was seriously sweating!!!! I think the lady had a chip missing because without a pause, she kept saying scan next item over and over! I thought I wasn't going fast enough. She started out at a good pace but suddenly speeded up. I suddenly felt the way I imagine my clients to feel while I train them. All she had to say was, "come on, you can do it!" I was really sweating and I was waiting for someone to say, "you've been punked!" Anyway, terrific blog! I could seriously hear your voice and see your facial expression while reading this. You always make me laugh! :)Loved, loved, loved this blog!

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    3. That's a good story, too, Anita. Thanks for the comment. : )

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  2. Joseph is so right. We can all relate. LOVE this! Stay warm!

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  3. That was great! I think we have all been there at least once!

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    1. And once is enough for the U Scan It! Thanks for the comment, Debbie!

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  4. Oh my goodness, first I started with a small grin which gradually widened to a full smile which turned into a laugh out loud at your humor and I total understanding. I love your intellectual humor and the fact that you put into words exactly the exasperation many of us feel when we use these human replacements. Thankfully though, you are stocked for the storm and won't visit the scan demon again (unless you do the AM "thing" again). Bill and I always try to hit the 15 or less items. Yesterday, we were there and had counted ours to be sure we weren't in violation and placed in the corner w/a dunce cap and the lady in front of us had at least 50 items. The cashier was visibly irritated but said nothing. Humph! If I were the cashier, I would have said "lady, what 35 items do you wish to put back!" But again, I'm getting old and allowed (or compelled) to state my feelings and sometimes they aren't overly kind :0)

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    1. Thanks for the comment, Betty. Yes, the conscientious customer will count items, but another type will line right up at the quickie counter with too many, and the clerk will often let them through. Like you, I would rather do the right thing than take the chance of that "dunce cap."

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